


Browncoats & Bad Eggs

by Ultra



Category: Firefly, Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Firefly Fusion, Attempt at Humor, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Double Cross, Gen, Post-At World's End, Post-Serenity (2005), Scruffy Nerf Herder, Serenity - Freeform, Space Pirates, The Black Pearl - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-26
Updated: 2012-06-26
Packaged: 2018-08-08 09:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7752214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ultra/pseuds/Ultra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Its Captain vs Captain, space pirate vs space cowboy, in a futuristic adventure where Serenity meets the Black Pearl in space (with a couple of Star Wars references tossed in, just because!)</p><p>(Originally written for Mizzy, based on her prompt 'The Serenity meets the Black Pearl!')</p>
            </blockquote>





	Browncoats & Bad Eggs

“You heard what I said, Mal! My repeating it would be pointless,” Inara told him as she walked into the galley with the Captain hot on her heels.

“I thought I heard you well and good,” he agreed, a little more shouty than was necessary, “but it sounded an awful lot to me like you called me a good for nothing scruffy space pirate!” he said crossly.

At the table, Jayne and River shared an amused look over the weapons they were cleaning, but chose to say nothing. These two were always fighting, it was more funny than it was dangerous, and anything good for a laugh was welcome around this place as far as the two fighters were concerned.

“I didn’t say scruffy,” the Companion argued milldy, looking more at the tea she was preparing than at Mal with his crossed arms and stern expression. “I said lata de.”

“Which is Chinese for scruffy!” he argued right back, muttering his own less pleasant Chinese words right after, even as he started off down the corridor. “Might as well called me a gorram nerf herder and had done with it...”

He was all of two steps from the galley when something struck the ship, making Serenity lurch badly to the side. River was on her toes in seconds, perhaps even before the impact, it was hard to tell. She pelted down the corridor past Mal, straight onto the bridge and into the pilot’s seat, a look on her face akin to panic when the rest of the crew caught up to her.

“What was that?” asked Kaylee, tucked under Simon’s arm.

“It felt like we were hit,” he said pointlessly, as people are want to do in such a moment.

“No kiddin’, four percent,” Jayne rolled his eyes, until Zoe took a moment to hit him upside his head.

“You’re not helping,” she pointed out, until River shushed them all ironically loudly, and then strangely started to giggle. “Swaying as he does in walking. Drunken Captain of a drunken ship,” she laughed, glancing up at Mal.

“No time for riddles, Lil’ Albatross,” he told her in his best fatherly tone. “We got company, best you explain in plain words whether we need guns or, y’know, Inara’s fancy tea cups”.

“Friend not foe,” she confirmed, pointing out through the plexiglass as the other ship came into view.

Black and ragged looking, it was a little bigger than the Firefly it had just come alongside and bumped on the way. There was a symbol painted on the hull, at this range it was hard to make out what the white markings were, but the more Zoe squinted, the more she was sure she saw a skull and cross-bones.

Inara swallowed hard and looked sideways at Mal. She had to bring up pirates, today of all days, just moments before they ran across the real thing. Just as so many hundreds of years ago on Earth-That-Was, ships that bore that symbol were only one kind of people. Some were more reasonable than others, of course, as with all types of men and women, but if what River said was true, well, a drunken Captain in charge of a pirate ship was hardly a good start.

“This is Firefly Class ship Serenity,” said River over the comms that crackled with life. “Please state your name and business here.”

Mal was prestigiously proud of her, though a bit put out perhaps that she was stealing his Captainy duties out from under him. Still, one didn’t argue too much with a slightly crazy assassin as a rule.

It was pointless anyway. Though River repeated herself three times, each in a more demanding and threatening tone, there was no response. In fact, she was half way through her final demand when the ship that bore the pirates symbol was suddenly gone in a flash.

“That rust bucket has a hyperdrive?” said Zoe with a look of plain astonishment.

“Jien ta duh guay!” Jayne cursed. “Ain’t possible.”

“Actually, it is,” said Kaylee with a grin. “Y’know they were puttin’ those kind of things on all manner of ships at one time. Girls that looked like a bigger pile of go-se than that pirate ship,” she explained.

“Well, whatever they got or don’t got don’t bother me any now, seein’ as they’ve gone far, far away,” said Mal with a pointed look. “Now, everybody back to what they was doin’. We land in... How long, mei mei?” he asked River as she checked her charts and the view from the window.

“Two hours, at most, until we reach Pelegosto,” she confirmed.

“Right then” Mal nodded once. “Best you all get to bein’ ready for that then”.

* * *

Mal remained in a foul mood for the rest of the day and was kind of a slave driver when the crew landed on Pelegosto. They were to collect a bunch of crates to bring back to Badger on Persephone, playing courier as it were for a reasonable amount of coin. Mal had Jayne, Zoe, and River shifting most of the load and didn’t seem to like that it took them longer than he wanted. Inara tried to calm him down, to no avail, only seeming to aggravate him more. When Kaylee and Simon came down off the ship to help out with the crates, they just got yelled at for getting in the way!

“We was only tryin’ to help, Cap’n,” his mechanic complained. “Maybe next time you want Serenity fixin’, I shouldn’t help then either,” she said crossly, her feelings hurt by the man she looked on as a Daddy out here in the black.

When she stormed off, leaving Simon gaping, not sure whether to keep stacking crates or go after her, Mal gave him the answer,.

“Best you go after her, Doc,” he advised. “I ain’t in the mood for smoothing things over with no more womenfolk with their panties in a bunch today!” he yelled deliberately loudly so Inara would hear.

“Sir? Think maybe you should take a walk, cool off a little?” Zoe said calmly as ever as she hefted a heavy box up into her arms with ease. “You seem to be upsetting a few too many folk here.”

Mal opened his mouth to argue that he was the Captain and in charge and all, but the words died on his tongue when he met his second’s gaze. She was right, and he knew it.

Setting off to walking, he wasn’t so far away when he turned back to yell something else and bashed shoulders with someone coming the other way.

“Have a care, sir!” said a voice too high for any man, though Mal had assumed she was one until she spoke.

“Well, ain’t I just havin’ the best luck with womenfolk today?” he said with a sigh. “Beg your pardon, ma’am,” he added more loudly then, bowing in over-the-top fashion to the lady he just bumped.

He looked less impressed when he tried to stand back up and felt the muzzle of a gun dig into his temple. The rest of his body did not move, just his eyes that travelled up to meet those of the lady that held him at gun-point.

“Ain’t you just the prettiest woman ever put a gun to my head?” he smiled amiably, before turning on a dime the next second and kicking the weapon from her hand.

In a moment there were at least ten men surrounding Mal, some with guns, others with swords. He might have been amused by the sight of them - one very short man in a striped shirt, another decidedly aged man with a brightly coloured bird on his shoulder, and what appeared to be a fella with a wooden eyeball.

“Ten on one ain’t exactly fair now, is it?” said Mal as he looked around the group. “I didn’t mean your lady friend here no harm nor nothin’,” he confirmed, gesturing vaguely towards the woman that held the gun to his head a moment before and still looked pissed now.

“No-one would surely accuse the great Malcolm Reynolds of such a crime,” said a voice then that made Mal look up fast.

“No, it can’t be,” he gasped, though he was smiling none the less as he saw the very man he was expecting approach with his usual wobbly gait. “Jack Sparrow!” he greeted him with a grin and open arms.

“’ello, Mal,” he replied, accepting the gesture, but not a moment later correcting his old friends words. “It’s Captain Sparrow these days, mate, just so we’re clear.”

“Captain Reynolds too,” Mal responded. “Got me a ship and a crew, over yonder,” he pointed into the near distance where his people were still loading crates onto the Firefly class ship.

“Well, that’s... a beautiful thing, mate, no doubt about it,” said Jack with barely concealed disgust. “Not exactly good enough to rival the Pearl though, is she?” he smirked then, gesturing in a way that only Captain jack could toward his own transport.

Mal’s eyes were wide as saucers when he realised he had seen the ship before.

“Wond ba duhn!” he cursed loudly. “You rammed my ship in your gorram pile of pirate go-se!” he complained.

“The Black Pearl is not go-se!” said the woman who had held a gun to Mal just a moment before, though all weapons seemed to have been dropped now as the man in the brown coat was identified as a friend of the Captain.

“Lizzie, no need for dramatics,” said Jack, putting up a hand to silence her. “Good old Mal means no harm, he’s just a blind git with allusions of grandeur”.

“I am not!” he argued, “I just... I’m just better than you, Sparrow, always was and always will be, ya space pirate!”

“Oh, ‘cause space cowboy is that much better than pirate!” his fellow Captain argued back.

The crew stood around with looks of confusion on their faces.

“You think we’re s’posed to join in with this fight?” said Pintel to Ragetti.

“I dunno. He’s s’posed to be the Captains friend, isn’t he?” his friend replied.

With a shrug, the pirates put away their weapons, folded their arms, and watched the screaming match as it continued in the centre of the circle they had made. All eyes were focused on the Captain vs. Captain battle, except for Elizabeth’s own, which strayed elsewhere.

“Stop!” she yelled loudly, after three previous more subtle attempts. “We have visitors,” she informed both Captains as they turned to look at her.

She was right, of course, as Mal’s own crew seemed to come hurrying over, some armed and some not, to see what all the fuss was about. Captain Jack wandered over in his usual style, taking off his hat and bowing to the two ladies that met him first.

“’Ello, luvs” he said to a stunned Kaylee and River. “Name’s Sparrow, Captain Jack Sparrow,” he told them cockily.

“Ooh, another Captain” said Kaylee with a giggle. “And you got so many pretties,” she grinned as she spotted all the trinkets hanging in Jack’s hair, not to mention the rings on his fingers and gold in his smile. “Where’d you get ‘em all?”

“Too many tales to tell in too short a time, darlin’,” he replied with a grin. “Fact of the matter is, I know your great leader here. Malcolm and me, we go way back”.

“A sight further than myself and the Captain, I shouldn’t wonder,” said Zoe then, eyeing the newcomer and his rag-bag crew with suspicion.

“I’d say so, luv. I’d remember a woman like you,” he smiled slowly, until Elizabeth socked him across the shoulder good and hard.

“When you’ve quite finished, Jack,” she scolded. “We came here to do a job. Meeting your old friends and flirting with the local tarts is not going to get us the supplies Badger wants”.

“Badger?” Jayne echoed, “What’s that ri shao gou shi bing tryin’ to pull on us now?” he asked Mal who only shook his head, completely bemused.

“Double cross,” said River slowly, looking at nothing a moment and then at everyone around her. “All fools, every one of us”.

“Not Captain Jack Sparrow!” argued Pintel. “He’s the best Captain there ever was and no fool!” he declared

“Thank you... that man,” Jack responded, since he was never really clear on which one was which out of him and Ragetti - well, if they would spend so much time together!

“If the little witch says we been double-crossed, chances are good, she’s right,” piped up Jayne, looking none too pleased to hear it.

“Badger is untrustworthy, a truth universally acknowledged,” said River then, looking mostly at Jack and then Elizabeth with a sly smile. “Desire exists, stronger than betrayal, of which they know much”.

“Off topic, Lil ‘Tross,” Mal advised, suddenly understanding what she was getting at. “Best you leave the good folks to figure out their personal desires and such, and get to flyin’ us off this piece of rock afore trouble sets in”.

“But we were to take the goods back to Persephone,” Elizabeth argued. “You will not stand in our way”.

“You didn’t hear, mei mei?” Mal challenged the girl with the gun that seemed much less threatening by now. “We here are all bein’ played for fools, so I suggest we split these goods ‘tween the two ships, fly back together, give old Badger a surprise he won’t forget” he smiled.

“Always did like the way you think, Mal” agreed Jack, “’Course, nothin’ to say we can still trust you after all this time”

“And why would we trust you?” asked Inara with a scathing look that appealed to Jack to no end. “You hardly appear to be an honest man”.

“Ah, but it is a dishonest man you can always trust, to be dishonest,” he told her with a grin of white and gold. “’S honest men you’ve gotta watch out for, darlin’” he winked. “You’ll learn”.

The two crews parted ways then, before anyone decided to start a real fight. Jayne and Mal brought half the cargo over to Jack’s crew, who loaded it onto the Black Pearl. Cotton’s parrot squawked over the pirates’ heads as Serenity took to the sky.

“Double-cross! Double-cross!”

It was only Elizabeth that paid any heed to it, as she watched the crewmen lift and carry the boxes from Mal’s ship with too much ease. Badger had taken them all for fools, surely that was why the parrot was repeating such a phrase, and yet she wondered.

“Stop!” she called to Marty, the shortest of pirates carrying the most ridiculously over-sized box. She instructed him to drop it and used the sword from her side to lever the lid off the crate. Her eyes were wide and her expression angry as she shielded her face from the sun and looked up at the Firefly swooping away into the black.

“What is wrong now, Elizabeth?” sighed Jack as he approached her when she screamed in frustration.

He soon realised as she had they were loading nothing but empty boxes onto the ship. The double-cross was doubly bad - Mal had taken them for a ride too!

“Tyen shiao duh!” cursed Captain Jack, before taking off pointlessly running (in the way only he could) after the Firefly that was now long gone.


End file.
